Jokes
A postman felt down because it was cold and the road icy, frozen from the rain. And he felt down from his bicycle directly infront of a policeman. Letters and postcards spreaded all over. Policeman: "Are there more idiots like you working in the post office?" Postman: "No, I am the last one. The rest is now working with the police."
Titanic |
In the bar |
Good & bad news |
The elevator |
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The tiger joke |
The crying man |
Guys & Lady |
Thankgiving prayer |
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The bear joke |
Late cuming |
Spermclinic |
Police control |
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Naive |
Real needs |
Oh, God... |
Elephant Dick |
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The illness |
At the airport |
Guess my age |
Out hashing all night |
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Guess who |
Mouse |
Pregnant |
What she wants |
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Rainbow Hair |
25th anniversary |
Hallway sex |
Bravery |
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If I die |
A dying wish |
The shepard |
Yesterday |
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Fat like whales |
Shopping |
God |
Password request |
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Don't drink beer |
Three woman |
How to impress |
The gambler |
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In Italy |
Big Black Guy |
Little Mary |
Bush visits school |
The Cowboy |
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An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." |
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator,
looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to
him. |
A woman was stopped by the police because of speeding. The policeman asked to show the driver‘s license, but she says:“But…, your colleague took it just a few minutes ago, because I had 2,3 per mille blood alcohol.“ The officer was shocked and wanted to see the car papers at least. She answered: „I don‘t have one, because this car is stolen and the owner couldn‘t give it to me because he already was dead.“ The policeman now suspected a very big thing and called his headquarter. Soon after almost the whole police department was surrounding the car of the woman. The chief officer came closer to the driver and asked her for her driver‘s license and she gave it to him willingly, also the car papers and she also was not drunken. The chief was confused and the woman said:“You see what incompetend officers you have. The next what your policeman will argue maybe is that I was driving too fast.“ |
The Tiger
joke |
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Pearl
Harbour Vs Titanic |
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In The Bar |
Good
+ Bad News |
The Elevator |
The Bear
Joke |
The
Crying Man |
Sperm
Clinic |
Guys
+ Lady |
Thanksgiving
Prayer |
Late
cuming |
A young harrier went to his first interhash and
got lucky the first night. After the sex was over, he asked the
harriette, "Am I the first hasher you have ever made love to?" |
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The good Father was easy on his flock, so when he
saw little Tommy take 20 dollars from the collection plate, he thought
that maybe the poor boy needed it and looked the other way. |
The little boy asks his father: "Dad, what
is that what Mum has?" And he points at her breasts. "That
are balloons. And when she is dead, she flies with them to heaven."
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Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, ees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant" A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son" replies the father. "No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..." |
Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?" The doctor said, "You were homesick." |
A discussion at an American airport, in the immigration
office: |
A 74 year old grandfather still feels young and asks the barkeeper to guess his age. The barkeeper said: "50?" The grandfather replies: "Ha, I am 74. You didn't expect that, or?" "No, you do not look one day older than 50!" Later in the pharmacy the old man asks the sales girl to guess his age. The girl said: "50?" The grandfather replies: "Ha, I am 74. You didn't expect that, or?" "No, you do not look one day older than 50!" Already in a good mood he asks a grandmother waiting at the bus stop, how old she guesses he is. She said: "Oh, you got the right person because I am good in guessing the age. But you must let me feel your dick!" The grandfather looks around and sees nobody else waiting and agreed. After the grandmother played 5 minutes with his dick, she said: "74." "Now I am surprised. How can you know that?"She answered: "In the pharmacy I was standing behind you!" |
A hasher was always getting into trouble
with his wife for staying out too late with the pack. One day he
was wrapping up work at the office when his secretary asked if she
could get a ride home. The hasher was reluctant to do it because
his wife was expecting him at 6 pm for dinner. However, being a
good boss, he gave her a ride home. Once he got to her apartment,
she asked if he would please come up and help her move something.
Again, the hasher was reluctant, but decided to help out. After
he moved the furniture, she offered him a beer as a reward. Being
a hasher, he was more reluctant to turn down the beer than be late
for his wife's dinner. One beer led to another and before he knew
it he was making passionate love to his secretary. |
A
94 year old man comes very excited to the doctor and says: „Doc,
I don‘t understand it. I simply don‘t understand. I am 94, my wife
is 25 and she is pregnant. I simply don‘t understand it!“ |
Bush, Gore and Ramsfield having lunch in the White
House. Bush says to Ramsfield: „Listen, I will ask you something:
It is a child of your parents, but it is not your brother and not
your sister. Who is it?“ Ramsfield answers: „Yeah, that‘s clear.
It‘s myself.“ Bush says: „Clever, Ramsfield, clever.“ |
Mouse went into a bar and saw a horse at one end
of the bar and a bucket of money at the other. He asked the bartender
what was the deal with the horse and the money. |
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, " I know dis yo firs time and yo berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69". More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...."You want Beef wif Broccori?" |
A hasher was sitting on a bench in the mall. A young man walked up and sat down beside the hasher. The young man had spiked, colored hair. Colors of blue, green, yellow, red and orange. The hasher just stared. Every time the young man turned around, the hasher was staring at him. Finally, the young man says sarcastically, "What's the matter, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the hasher replied, "Got drunk once at an On In and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son?" |
A man and his wife got to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th Anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
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Two sixty year old men were talking about there sex lives. The first man said his sex life had slowed down these days but he was happy he still got it once and awhile. The second man said that the only sex he and his wife have now is hallway sex. The first man asked what the hell was hallway sex? "Simple," said the second man, "Every time my wife and I pass each other in the hallway, she says 'FUCK-YOU' and I say 'FUCK-YOU TOO.'"
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A young black man died and appeared at the Pearly Gates only to be told "You can't come in here!" "Why not?" He demanded to know. "Because this place is reserved for the bravest of the brave." "Well Hell," he says. "I'm one of the bravest men that have ever lived!" "Oh yeah! What did you ever do that was so brave?" "I married a white girl on the courthouse steps in Hattiesburg, Mississippi!" "Wow! That really was brave. When did you do that?" "About two minutes ago."
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A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you marry again?" "I would!" "And would you let her come into my house?" "I would!" "Would she be working in my kitchen?" "She would!" "Would she sleep in my bed?" "She would!" "Would she put her clothes in my press?" "She would!" "Would she have my Renault 4?" "She would!" "Would she use my golf clubs?" "Definately not!" "Why?" "She's left-handed!"
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A woman goes for her yearly physical and after all the poking, prodding and tests, the physician says gravely, "I'm sorry, but you only have 12 hours to live." Hearing this ,the woman rushes home ,explains her condition to her husband and states, "I want us to spend this whole evening having wild and crazy sex." To which her husband exclaims, "Well , that's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!"
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Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?
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Yesterday,
all those backups seemed a waste of pay.
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Your mama is so fat, she jumped into the ocean and the whales circled around her and started singing "We are family!"
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Two blondes went shopping one day. They got done shopping and went out to their brand new, cherry red convertible. They got to the car and noticed that they had locked their keys in the car. So they tried to think of a way to get the keys out. After trying for an hour and a half, one blonde notices that there is a rainstorm coming and says, "You better hurry up because it is gonna rain and the top is down!"
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After espying a beautiful blond walking by a man says to God, "God, why did you make blondes so beautiful?" God responded, "So you would love her." "But God", The man replied, "Why did you make her so dumb?" God replies, "So she would love you."
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A female computer consultant was helping a macho male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter: "PENIS". Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password, but she almost died laughing at the computer's response: "PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH."
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Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde--were sitting in the OBGYN waiting room, discussion conception. "My husband and I conceived in the missionary position," said the brunette, "so our baby will be a boy." "My boyfriend and I conceived in the female-superior position," said the redhead," so we're having a girl." As the blonde listened to the two women's conversation, she suddenly burst into tears. "My god!" she cried, "I'm having puppies!"
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Compliment
her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease
her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on
her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her,
support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....
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The gambler and the taxi driver A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend
to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left
but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he
could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went
out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
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In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin." "But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent." "That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you still put yourself at risk." "Oh, thank you, Father," the man said. "But I have one more question." "What is it?" "Do you think I have to tell him the war is over?"
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U.S. President George Bush visits a school and explains his political actions. Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions. Little Bob rises to speak: Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask: 1. How did you win the election
although you had less votes than Gore? Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out of the classroom. When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them again to ask questions. This time Joey rises to speak: Mr. President, I have got five questions to ask: 1. How did you win the election
although you had less votes than Gore? |
Little
Mary |
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